Cheating is Normal…right?

Floating around social media, I can’t help but to question “Stop normalizing cheating.” If someone makes a choice to be with someone, I believe they should respect the mutually agreed upon boundaries of the relationship. There are people who are good at it, and those who are not. It should be a given that nobody is perfect. In fact, I feel that is the reason that “cheating” is actually very much normal.

We need to break down the statement word-for-word and that’s pretty easy since there are only 3. “Stop” is a common word and for this case, I’m going to go with the definition saying “to cease.” The definition of “normalize” is in the image above. Normalization is to make something common among cultures. The most triggering word is “cheating.” In the mainstream, “cheating”* is used to describe being sexually disloyal to your partner.

So, is “cheating” normal? I say yes. Actually, cheating is one of the most constant acts since humans decided to pair up. People have engaged in sexual acts or emotional connections with people outside of their pair-bond. I don’t think that is debatable. Yes, you can make the commitment but human beings are prone to error. Nobody is perfect ESPECIALLY when it comes to sexual desires and urges. Many of our ancestors and parents had children outside of their commitment. There are diaries and journals that describe affairs, mistresses, and children born out of “cheating.” To this day, many of us cannot claim that we’ve never dealt with cheating. We’ve all personally experienced cheating.

Despite common beliefs, monogamy is not natural, meaning people were not placed on this Earth and automatically looked for a wife. Humans went from nomads who engaged in orgies. Then agriculture and domestication settled them. Men wanted to know their children were theirs and women traded their fidelity for safety and resources. Then, things get ironic as men INSISTED on monogamy(one man, one woman together forever) because the richest men with the most land were collecting wives like baseball cards. And from that point, flawed individuals engaged in commitments of monogamy and fidelity. Asking someone to be exclusively yours sexually and otherwise is an attempt to undo hundreds of thousands of years of DNA builds. It’s not impossible, but it damn near is.

I’m not saying that it’s okay to “cheat.” I don’t condone the violation of trust in a relationship. But we should also trust that it is VERY difficult to resist that primal urge for sexual variety. Set your boundaries with your partner. But be mindful that to err is human.

What else is “cheating” but normal?

*The definition that I use for cheating is inclusive of couples who open their relationship for multiple sexual partners. Clearly, their boundaries are different. For the sake of this blog, I’ll stick with the mainstream understanding.

C+ [Effort]

One of my co-workers has a stalker. He met a beautiful young lady from a dating app and communicated that he was only there for a good time, not a long time. They hooked up and then the stalker behavior began. She became obsessed. She left a voicemail on his phone every day for at least a month. She showed up at his home uninvited. She sent several texts he’s yet to reply to.

Clearly, this woman has some screws loose but she got there somehow. After talking with him and discussing the evidence, I came to the conclusion: he gave her his ‘A-‘ dick. He should’ve given her, AT MOST, ‘B’ dick.

Now, there are levels to it.

• ‘A’ Dick = You give everything you got. You’re giving her your best stroke, trying to last all night, pulling out every freaky move you know to make her like silly puddy in your hands. You probably even kissed her.
• ‘B’ dick = You stick to the basics. Oral sex, from the back, missionary, on top, you make sure she gets hers before you get yours and that’s it.
• ‘C’ dick = It’s good but you don’t quite get her there. You maybe only do 2 positions. She ALMOST gets there but you stop just before.
• ‘D’ dick = Bad with potential. But she’s probably not gonna find out.
• ‘F’ dick = Terrible. You can’t find a position that works. No rhythm. She’s probably not even flinching. You probably came before you finished reading this. NEVER GIVE ‘F’ DICK!

It sounds crazy I know. A guy thinks that his dick can make a woman crazy? Absolutely. And it’s been proven time and time again. Most women can’t even deny that they’ve had dick so good that it made them irrational, and not always to stalker levels. Dick so good you’ll start thinking about marriage and having his babies even if it’s just a cuddy buddy.

A few summers ago, I’d got out of a relationship and entered a period of whoredom. I let a young lady know that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. We had a few late night sessions before I decided to try something one night. I’d been doing some research and found a new finger-poppin’ technique. I tried it out on her since I had no one else. She came 3 times, grabbed my hand, looked at me and said, “Don’t ever do that again.” It wasn’t long until she was showing up to my place unannounced and asking me why we never went anywhere together.

And it’s not just me. I’ve heard stories from many men about women who switched up after a smash session. Granted, some of them led the girls on. But that doesn’t speak for all of them.

You can say the same for some men as well. But women already have ingrained that they shouldn’t give it up to just anybody. Men aren’t as selective. But we need to be. You can’t give every woman an orgasm.

BLAME WOMEN

Thanks to the algorithm, social climate, and my posts, my social media is filled with commentary on the male-female relationship dynamic. Women take shots at men all the time. Whether it’s about how long we last in bed, the lack of good conversation, men expecting women to take care of them and insults to manhood, women have no issue with vocalizing their dissatisfaction with their options. And as men, we’re expected to take it! We’re expected to listen and change ourselves accordingly to satisfy whatever desire she has.

Then there are unsatisfied men. There are men who are unhappy with their pair options and actions of women they’ve dated. We talk about women who don’t cook, women who show no effort and want to be spoiled, and sometimes we express how the actions of women negatively impact boys & men.

I recently re-posted a status on Facebook. It said:

Black men learn to hate women listening to their mothers gossip on the phone.. I mean black men ain’t in the home.

We learn it from you.

One comment stuck out to me: “Y’all stay looking for a scapegoat. It’s crazy.”

The issues black men and women have run deeper than a phone conversation. You could mention mass incarceration and long-standing grooming from slavery, among other factors. HOWEVER, this does not help. For years, I’ve said that boys have issues with respecting women because they observe their mothers smile in her girlfriend’s face one moment, then hear her talking ish about her on the phone the next. Although he may be a he, and mom may be a she, a child will still imitate his closest example. Aside the 8 hours of school, a child who spends 16 hours around his mother will learn a lot from her.

Are men allowed to hold women accountable? I believe that many things are a man’s fault. Most times, women’s behavior is a direct response of the men in, or out of, her life. Women reject this saying that they’re their own person but when the time comes to take responsibility, it’s never her fault.

Men aren’t looking for scapegoats to alleviate their responsibility.They’re hoping women will some day hold themselves accountable for the roles they play in some of the dysfunction. Oppression didn’t just happen to the men but it’s completely our burden to fix it? I cannot agree with that.

If we are a team, we are a team. Every role has their own responsibilities. BOTH men and women need to identify their contributions to the dysfunction our community experiences so that we may work on fixing them.

Man to Woman: We Want Sex. And you do, too!

No matter how old I get, the same sentiment from disgruntled women is expressed: All guys want is sex.” My response: You’re damn right!

“I only want sex if it’s the only thing you have to offer.” –Dante Nero, Host of The Beige Phillip Show

From time to time, I binge on Black Phillip & Beige Phillip (now Man School 202). Black Phillip was a radio show on Sirius XM(13 episodes now on YouTube) that was hosted by Patrice O’Neal and co-host Dante Nero. The show revolved around male-relationships and how to keep from becoming an abused and worn out man in a relationship. Beige Phillip was the podcast continuation by Dante after Patrice passed away in 2011. Dante was more structured and included tips on what women biologically sought from male suitors. Through his principles & show guests, I learned that interactions with the opposite sex are driven by our desire for sex.

With new knowledge, I reflected on many of the feelings and relationships that I maintained with women. I realized that I rarely befriended women who I didn’t find attractive. It was even more rare that I befriended a woman who I didn’t want to have sex with.

Then I looked to my friends for examples. One of my best friends would call me every day bragging about how great this girl was. That she was smart (she wasn’t), she could cook (she couldn’t), and how great a relationship could be between them (FF 2 years later, it crumbled horribly). He fabricated in his mind who this woman was and they hadn’t even had sex. During their relationship he complained about some of the things we all knew would be wrong. I’d talk to him about it years later, and he’d realized that she as his “type” and that he was attracted to her circumstance (single mother & son, like he and his mom).

“Women have to like you to sleep with you. Men have to like you to sleep with you again.” — Patrice O’Neal, Comedy Legend & Host of Black Phillip Show

Probably the main reason women believe that all men want is sex is because we shame women for being sexually liberated. People advise women to make a guy wait for…reasons? I mean, there are plenty but at the end of the day, neither of us really wants to wait. If I want to have sex with you, I want it now. There’s nothing special to a guy about making him wait. And if he thinks that there is, he’s probably a cuck who’ll eventually let her walk all over him. No man wants to wait. Women get just as aroused but risk waiting in hopes for some special moment or that it’ll make a woman realize how special she is. Why are we both wasting our time?? Let’s get to it!

I recently polled women on Facebook on whether they’d be more upset if a man wasted their time or their sex. The majority voted “Time.” By that logic, I would think having sex on the first date would be the default. We both know what we want upfront. What’s the issue??

As men, we joke about how we have to jerk off before any important decision but there is some seriousness. Thoughts become more clear when we get off. Built-up testosterone kinda makes guys crazy especially if your drive is high. It’s hard to think around “I really want to smash.” However, if a guy likes you, he’ll keep coming back after the first nut. You may have sexual chemistry or real chemistry, but we won’t know until you get sex out of the way.

“Just do it.” — Nike, international shoe brand

Men DO want sex. There’s nothing wrong with that. Women want sex. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Get it out the way so we can move on with our lives.

My Therapist Saved My Life

A while ago, I recorded an IG live regarding some mental health issues I was dealing with. The issue stemmed from issues with low testosterone. I went to my therapist to talk about my low sex drive and after a couple of leading questions, she said to go to the doctor to make sure it’s not physical before she probes anything mental.

I was constantly moody, didn’t know how I’d feel day-to-day. I was depressed. Doc passed, I saw a fresh dead body, and i couldn’t stop thinking about my own mortality. I was mean when I didn’t mean to be. I’d go out with friends and be antisocial and ready to go as soon as I got there. I’d constantly battle on social media and getting in my feelings about it. I couldn’t let things go. And I thought it was all because I wasn’t sleeping. Then football season ended and I experienced the same things when I had adequate sleep. I couldn’t take anymore because I wasn’t getting better. I was on the road to harming myself. This had been going on for at least a year. That’s when I decided to see a therapist.

Turns out my testosterone was stupid low. My doctor and the urologist both gave me props. They told me most guys would be in bed with no desire for ANYTHING and I was busy all the time despite wanting to stay inside all the time.

The urologist referred me to an endocrinologist who found, through MRI, that I had what she called a “benign micro-tumor” called a “prolactinoma” on my pituitary causing my brain to produce more prolactin(the hormone that makes women produce milk…yes i would’ve eventually started lactating) and essentially prevented regular testosterone production.

I started on treatment in August and I feel better than I have in at least 2 years. I’m not completely back to normal but I can feel a difference.

Fellas, if you’re feeling different, go get checked out. Ladies, if your man is changing, it might not be you. My therapist saved my life.

 

6 Female Debate Tactics

If you follow me on social media, especially for the last 2 years, you have seen that I engage in debates almost daily. The topics span from small things like music to more personal topics like male-female relationships. Women often engage in these debates. And with practice, you learn your enemy. The following 6 tactics are based on observations of women during debates. This is also where women tend to indirectly admit defeat in an argument. Read, recognize, react.

#1 – Accuse him of too getting emotional.

Ex. “Why are you raising your voice?”

“Calm down. Why are you getting so angry?”

Guys, she can’t match your aggression so she will attempt to get you to turn it down. DON’T BACK DOWN. If you do, she wins. If you’re mad, stay mad but explain your frustration. That way you work in that whole processing emotions thing too.

#2 – Bring up exceptions.

Ex. “That’s not everybody”

“I don’t do that.”

“What about [insert exception]?”

Men are natural hunters and we make observations. We make generalizations to move the narrative. What does that mean? We speak in general because if we addressed every exception to the rule, we’d be here all day. Women like to make the exceptions the rule but NUMBERS don’t lie and field research matters. Don’t let her tell you what you see isn’t valid.

#3 – Change the topic.

Ex. YOU – Grass is green.

HER – Okay but what about elephants?

Usually, she pulls this out when you’re right. She won’t admit to it so she’ll try her hardest to find something you can be wrong about. Don’t let her dictate the conversation. You’ll forget about the great point you just made, keeping your confidence down. Know your worth, King!

#4 – Accuse him of having a grudge against women.

Ex. “Do you hate women??”

“Who hurt you??”

When acknowledging some negative behaviors in women, men will be accused of having a grudge against women. Again, she is trying to find a reason to dismiss whatever you say. Even if true, NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE the claim. They’ll bring up the women in your family but remember that a soldier is to date your family too. As far as your past, we all learn from mistakes. Let’s not act like women don’t either. It’s the same thing as her saying “All these n****s do is ________.”

#5 – Make It Personal

Ex. “This is just how I feel. I can only speak for me.”

“Well how do YOU feel about it?…that’s just your opinion.”

Similar to #2, HOWEVER she will use this when your logic and generalizations are starting to make sense but she doesn’t want to break. A woman’s logic is tied to the emotions she has in the moment. If she says your right but it still feels wrong, she will try to end it by making it specifically about you or specifically about her.

#6 – Dismiss His Example

Ex. “What? That doesn’t make sense. That’s not the same thing.”

Not so much a tactic as much as it is in her nature. If you use an example, be able to explain how it applies to the situation. True wisdom is the recognition of underlying concepts and applying them to situations that seem irrelevant but are really not.

For whomever decides to engage in argument or debate with women, keep these things in mind. It’ll keep you from losing your cool. Like with any sport, when you keep a level head and know what’s coming, you’ll fare better in your challenge.

You’re welcome!

Man-ist

ARE YOU A MISOGYNIST?

I’m not a misogynist. I’m a man-ist.

 

WHO’S CALLING YOU A MISOGYNIST?

For the most part, people on social media. Nobody says anything to my face anymore.  My conversations and Facebook statuses give people the impression that I’m a misogynist. What have I been saying?

Black men don’t cheat.

Ladies, you know how to GET a man but how do/would you keep a man?

Monogamy isn’t natural. It’s in a man’s nature to spread his seed.

God gave men the ability to rapidly reproduce.  The world’s female to male ratio is 4 to 1. God doesn’t make mistakes.

As a man, I have to work for you to be attracted to me. I have to have something about me that draws you.

I’ve reposted articles, statuses, and videos that gave, what I felt is, an honest male perspective and explained differences between the minds of men and women. More often than not, I’d receive 1 of 3 replies from women:

1. Who hurt you?
2. Women can ___________ too.
3. Are you sure you’re not gay?

None of these bothered me. One, everybody has been hurt by somebody. Men hold onto their hurt longer than women. Two, I’m not gay. Three, I believe that women can do anything that they want, however, there are fundamental differences between the sexes.

When I discuss male-female interactions, I accept that men have flaws and we act in ways that hurt women. The labels come when I start telling women how their actions negatively impact men. Let’s just say that replies are rarely, “Hmm. I see your point.” My logic combined with my verbal abilities tend to provoke the emotions of many women and there is when I get the 3 replies.

DO YOU HATE WOMEN?

Not at all. I love women. Some of my favorite people are women. My mother is a woman. I’m a very objective person and have difficulties dealing with emotions. That’s where the clash happens.

WHY DO YOU PISS PEOPLE OFF?

Rarely is my goal to actually upset someone. People who know me understand that I’m harmless and mean no malicious intent. It just so happens that my views differ from societal norms and I challenge people to think outside of the norm. I don’t always do it to change people’s minds. I do it to learn for myself…if you can beat my logic of course.

WHERE DOES YOUR PERSPECTIVE COME FROM? 

My perspective comes from life experiences, on the inside and the outside. I’ve been actively dating since I was 17. I’ve been played, used, and mentally abused. And again, who hasn’t? I’ve taken those experiences and learned to look for warning signs and patterns. Also, from 21-26 I was single (I had “relationships” but they weren’t going far and we knew it). During that period, I was able to look at dating from the outside. I was able to look at relationships objectively because, frankly, they weren’t my relationships. I still dated but nothing serious. I learned from that as well.

SIMPLY, WHAT IS YOUR PERSPECTIVE?

1. Monogamy isn’t natural but it’s not impossible. Infidelity has been apart of the world since the beginning of time. It’s not going anywhere and I think it’s pointless to fight it AND get upset about it.
2. Women want double standards when it’s convenient. Men act like the double standards are laws.
3. The communication between men and women needs to improve. People talk and people listen but the understanding is missing.
4. Couples should never take monogamy for granted. They should have an honest discussion in the beginning of the relationship about their sex drives AND their expectations of one another.

A Near Death Experience and Life-Saving Advice

I love hoodrats. I like a phat butt. I love chocolate skin. I love a big smile. That’s been true for as long as I can remember. When I was 16, I met a girl on CrushSpot(#tbt) who was all of that. She was A stream of body shots and videos of her twerking(before mainstream) and hip-rolling(YouTube clip), she went to another high school close to me so I definitely hit her up.

We started sending messages back and forth. We were attracted so we met and then had a relationship. By relationship, I mean we talked on the phone everyday since neither of us had a ride or took the bus anywhere. It’s the kind of relationship you have when you’re sheltered.

However one day, I decided to take the bus to her house. It was fifteen below zero outside and DPS shut down schools for the day. I’d already been up because we had early morning football workouts before they cancelled classes(DPS was always last to announce school closings). My dad left work to pick me up and take me home. Since I’d already left the house, I’d already felt the temperature. It wasn’t that cold to me. She called me and said that her parents went to work and it was on. A teenage boy will scuff his J’s if it means he’s about to get some.

When I get there, her brother is home with his girlfriend. He was also a hoodrat: 18, struggling to get out of 11th grade, had a few fights, had some burglaries, etc. But he was a funny dude. I remember once e had no shame dropping his pants to show an entire room of people the spider bite on his leg. His girlfriend, was a big-un. She was short and round but cool. She seemed to have more sense than the two, but not much. She was cool to me though.

After spending some time in the living room with them, my girlfriend takes me upstairs to her room, her brother’s room right next door separated by drywall. We start doing our thing. She’s fairly quiet seeing as how her brother was home and I was fairly new to the act myself(he was only my second partner although she thought she was my first). About one minute into it, we hear the floor and her brother’s girlfriend walks in and yells, “Oh my God!” and walks back out. Although slightly startled, I expected that to be the end of it so I kept going. Within 30 seconds, we hear the floor again. With me still on top of her, her brother walks in and my heart(but surprisingly not me erection) dropped.

He has a confused look on his face and out of nowhere, he starts laughing like it was a clever knock-knock joke. He walks out shortly after.

I look at my girl, “I thought he was going to kill me.” She replies, “I thought he was too.” Just like horny teens do, we kept going and almost IMMEDIATELY we hear the floor again. I thought for sure that I was dead then. But the brother’s girlfriend walks in and sits on the bed next to us. I don’t know what this girl knew or didn’t but she just started talking.

You don’t have to do anything if you don’t like it. If he’s hurting you, let him know. And make sure you’re always using condoms. And even if you have one on, he should still pull out.

She leaves the room and by this time, they’ve killed the mood. And as we were sitting in bed talking about the last 6 and a half minutes of our lives, we hear her brother’s girlfriend in the next room having a Janet Jacme-esqe performance. She’s smacking the walls, yelling his name, and he’s smacking her somewhere(Idk, everybody likes something different). My girl and I look at each other with wide eyes and disgust. I put on my clothes, we chilled in the living room for a bit and I left.

The “relationship” didn’t last on account of her being a hoodrat. It was a nasty break-up and we didn’t speak for months. Ironically, I almost died a second time when going to see her later I crashed my mom’s car.

I listened to God and left her alone. And to the day, I still pull out with a condom on.

MDA: Alley-Oop

I’m old enough and I should know better. But this happened within the last year:

Last Christmas, I flew home to Detroit. When I arrived at baggage claim, I saw a guy I went to high school with who was living in Houston at the time. As we were catching up, our conversation was interrupted by a young lady with sexy lips and awesome cleavage. I don’t remember what she said(and frankly, it didn’t matter) but by the end of the conversation, we exchanged numbers. We’ll call her Erica.

Erica was from Detroit and a couple of years older than me. She was a bartender and had been for some years but was looking for other opportunities so that her 10 year old daughter could live with her. At the time, I was in a relationship and, while unhappy, I was still trying to do the right thing. I kept the relationship platonic AKA I hit her up every once in a while to make sure she still knew who I was just in case.

I took control of my life in May and broke up with my girlfriend. One day, Erica hit me up and in our conversation I told her that I was only looking for a cut buddy situation. This was a huge step for me as I had never been one to tell a woman exactly what I wanted, especially if it was just sex. She proceeded to SNAP on me saying that she was sick of guys only wanting sex, blah blah blah. I was able to talk her down and asked her to go to dinner with me. She wanted to go to Grand Lux(family restaurant of Cheesecake Factory. Yea, she was bad and boujee). 

I arrived first as the rain poured and I treated her like the gentleman I am. I grabbed my umbrella and walked her from her car to the inside. We sat down and had a helluva time. I bought the food. She paid for all of the alcohol. We arrived at 4 and didn’t leave until 7:30. Erica and I both said that we were surprised at how the night was going. We had some common interest, none of which I can remember right now. But I do remember two things she said to me: she was moving to Austin soon & that she likes sex(like REALLY likes sex). I tried my best not to mark out (get over-excited for my non-wrestling fans). After we got tired of sitting at Grand Lux, she asked if I wanted to see some live music. Some guys she knew were in a band. 

We drove separately to this hole in the wall joint on the south side of Houston(we both lived North). She spoke to who she knew and the good time continued. She had at least 4 vodka cocktails on top of the 3 glasses of wine at the restaurant(TANK STATUS). She bought me drinks too. We danced(ikr. Me. Dancing) and you probably would’ve sworn we were a couple as we were caked up on the dance floor.

The band finishes and as you would imagine, she is HAMMERED. We walk out arm-in-arm and we get ready to go our separate ways when she says, “Ooo I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it back home.” Now what I should have said was, “You shouldn’t drive like this. I’ll take you home.” But what MY DUMB AZZ said was, “Well, be careful and let me know when you make to your destination.”

I called her as she was driving home to make sure she was okay. I was oblivious to what just happened. I asked when I’d see her again and she told me she was moving within the week and that chances are I wouldn’t be able to. 

I learned a lot about myself that night.

Shame. Damn shame.